Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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