Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
