Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
