I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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