he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I didn't notice because vodka
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
