dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
