I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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