so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
