turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize