Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
