It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
