I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize