I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
