So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
