so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
