no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
