You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
