I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I met the friendliest cop last night
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
