She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Houston, we have a blender
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
