Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Randomize
