where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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