My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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