I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We are two peas in an std pod
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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