a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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