Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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