I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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