you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
