Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
