Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
