He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
