Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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