Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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