he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
