Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
