In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
