Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
