I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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