So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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