he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
