Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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