Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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