Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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