i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Can I color on your dick again?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
