I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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