new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
