Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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