If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
