seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
