i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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