And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
