I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
ugly people sure do ruin things
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
