I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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