I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
