I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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