Fuck appropriateness.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I understand Curling. That high.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
