someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
