If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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