Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
is that a dick in a sweater?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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