I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
