Kiss
Puke
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
