i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
